What did I do on vacation, you ask? A number of relaxing and fun things, but one of them included reading a book I've been meaning to read for a while now.
Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka describes a spirited child as a normal child who is more - more intense, more persistent, more sensitive, and more perceptive. "All children possess these characteristics, " she writes, "but spirited kids possess them with depth and range not available to other children. "
Does this sound like it might be one of your children? If not, scroll down and linger through my other posts. If so, I highly suggest you read Raising Your Spirited Child. If you are not quite sure yet, here are some characteristics Mary gives to each spirited child. She warns that not all spirited kids will bear each characteristic, but the characteristics they do display, they display with rigor.
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka describes a spirited child as a normal child who is more - more intense, more persistent, more sensitive, and more perceptive. "All children possess these characteristics, " she writes, "but spirited kids possess them with depth and range not available to other children. "
Does this sound like it might be one of your children? If not, scroll down and linger through my other posts. If so, I highly suggest you read Raising Your Spirited Child. If you are not quite sure yet, here are some characteristics Mary gives to each spirited child. She warns that not all spirited kids will bear each characteristic, but the characteristics they do display, they display with rigor.
1. Intensity: Loud, dramatic, shrieking, noisy when they laugh, play, and even walk. Or they can be intensely observant.
2. Persistence: The child "locks in" to an activity or idea.
3. Sensitivity: Responds to the slightest noises, lights, smells, textures or changes in mood.
4. Perceptiveness: They notice everything.
5. Adaptability: Uncomfortable with change, do not like surprises (and we don't mean surprise birthday parties!).
2. Persistence: The child "locks in" to an activity or idea.
3. Sensitivity: Responds to the slightest noises, lights, smells, textures or changes in mood.
4. Perceptiveness: They notice everything.
5. Adaptability: Uncomfortable with change, do not like surprises (and we don't mean surprise birthday parties!).
Do you find your days are like roller coasters? Do you use words to describe your "spirited" child like demanding, aggressive, stubborn, loud, manipulative, wild, whiny (well, ok who doesn't call their child whiny!), and argumentative?
See if you can relate to this story.
One minute I am snuggling with my son. We are reading together, giggling, and enjoying each other's company. He then gives me a big kiss, a bear hug, tells me I'm the "bestest" mommy ever, and runs off to the other room to find his older sibling. I am in hog-heaven.
Then out of nowhere you hear shrieks so deafening you think surely only dogs can hear them, but no you hear them quite clearly. You run to the other room to find your oh-so-lovable-one-minute-ago-son screaming, and I mean screaming, and hitting his brother. (The brother has his hands over his ears and is kind of retracting inward because of the noise. The hitting doesn't help either.) You need to know what happened and you start quizzing the older brother who says, "I don't know." You find yourself asking your son to calm down so you can get to the bottom of this, "William, can you please stop crying so we can talk?" He can't even hear me, you think to yourself. You raise your voice, "William, please stop crying. I want to talk to you." Still nothing but incredibly loud crying that is out of control and very annoying. You feel agitated and yell, "WILLIAM, STOP IT NOW. 1, 2, 3..." Now, either the crying escalates back to the shrieks or he stops crying only because he doesn't want to go to his room but he is still breathing like crazy and very angry.
This is just one example; an example that resonates with me, in fact - the shrieks, the uncontrollable crying, the hitting, the "not listening to me", not to mention my atrocious parenting style. After a few minutes of talking, I found out they were wrestling and the older brother hurt William.
This brings me to one of the most enlightening parts for me in Raising Your Spirited Child. Mary addresses this type of behavior. She explains, "Spirited children experience every emotion and sensation deeply and powerfully. Their hearts pound, the adrenaline flows through their bodies. There is actually a physical reaction that occurs more strongly in their bodies than in less intense individuals. They are not loud because they know it irritates people; they are loud because they really feel that much excitement, pain, or whatever the emotion or sensation might be. Their intensity is real. It is their first and most natural reaction. When you know your child is intense, you can expect a strong reaction and develop a plan to help your child express his reaction appropriately or diffuse it."
I can honestly say this was an epiphany for me. I now know this is his temperament. He's not trying to annoy me. He's not shrieking because he is over-the-top dramatic. Intensity is simply a characteristic which he has "more" of than other children. And it is real.
I realize this isn't meant to be an excuse. It is however an explanation, and in other chapters Mary speaks about how to handle the different temperaments. Though this is just one example for one characteristic, the whole book is devoted to sharing many, many examples and discussing ways to handle the temperaments.
Since this one post has become quite lengthy, I will end it here and post again in the near future with part deux. There is so much to say!
If you are chomping at the bit to know more, visit Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's website. She is a wealth of knowledge. Plus, she has written other fascinating books such as Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles (my next read), and Sleepless in America.
Amazing stuff.
One minute I am snuggling with my son. We are reading together, giggling, and enjoying each other's company. He then gives me a big kiss, a bear hug, tells me I'm the "bestest" mommy ever, and runs off to the other room to find his older sibling. I am in hog-heaven.
Then out of nowhere you hear shrieks so deafening you think surely only dogs can hear them, but no you hear them quite clearly. You run to the other room to find your oh-so-lovable-one-minute-ago-son screaming, and I mean screaming, and hitting his brother. (The brother has his hands over his ears and is kind of retracting inward because of the noise. The hitting doesn't help either.) You need to know what happened and you start quizzing the older brother who says, "I don't know." You find yourself asking your son to calm down so you can get to the bottom of this, "William, can you please stop crying so we can talk?" He can't even hear me, you think to yourself. You raise your voice, "William, please stop crying. I want to talk to you." Still nothing but incredibly loud crying that is out of control and very annoying. You feel agitated and yell, "WILLIAM, STOP IT NOW. 1, 2, 3..." Now, either the crying escalates back to the shrieks or he stops crying only because he doesn't want to go to his room but he is still breathing like crazy and very angry.
This is just one example; an example that resonates with me, in fact - the shrieks, the uncontrollable crying, the hitting, the "not listening to me", not to mention my atrocious parenting style. After a few minutes of talking, I found out they were wrestling and the older brother hurt William.
This brings me to one of the most enlightening parts for me in Raising Your Spirited Child. Mary addresses this type of behavior. She explains, "Spirited children experience every emotion and sensation deeply and powerfully. Their hearts pound, the adrenaline flows through their bodies. There is actually a physical reaction that occurs more strongly in their bodies than in less intense individuals. They are not loud because they know it irritates people; they are loud because they really feel that much excitement, pain, or whatever the emotion or sensation might be. Their intensity is real. It is their first and most natural reaction. When you know your child is intense, you can expect a strong reaction and develop a plan to help your child express his reaction appropriately or diffuse it."
I can honestly say this was an epiphany for me. I now know this is his temperament. He's not trying to annoy me. He's not shrieking because he is over-the-top dramatic. Intensity is simply a characteristic which he has "more" of than other children. And it is real.
I realize this isn't meant to be an excuse. It is however an explanation, and in other chapters Mary speaks about how to handle the different temperaments. Though this is just one example for one characteristic, the whole book is devoted to sharing many, many examples and discussing ways to handle the temperaments.
Since this one post has become quite lengthy, I will end it here and post again in the near future with part deux. There is so much to say!
If you are chomping at the bit to know more, visit Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's website. She is a wealth of knowledge. Plus, she has written other fascinating books such as Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles (my next read), and Sleepless in America.
Amazing stuff.
